I've only seen a video poker machine once in my life.
My uncle had brought me to a seedy dive bar. I wasn't old enough to drink yet, but that didn't matter - he was a regular there and was stopping by to down a couple of beers while chatting with the bartender.
The atmosphere made me kind of uncomfortable. A few guys in faded jackets hunched over their glasses, quietly nursing beers that had probably started going warm. Grating country rock pouring out of scratchy old speakers. A stuffy air of cigarette smoke my nose couldn't acclimate to.
Nothing of appeal there for me. But I was visiting from out of town and at the mercy of my uncle's whims, so all I could do was patiently wait it out.
There was only one thing that caught my interest. Over in a corner by the pool table, standing all by itself - a video poker machine.
I had never seen one before, and I haven't seen once since, but I couldn't stop glancing over at it and wondering how it worked and what the gameplay would be like.
I was tempted to spend whatever pocket change I had to play a few hands of lo-resolution cards. But if I was only old enough to order a 7UP here, it meant I wasn't old enough to do any gambling. I seriously doubt anyone in the room would've raised their heads long enough to notice or even bother, but I didn't have the nerve to even walk up to the machine, let alone slide a quarter into it.
Well, I'm an adult now and no one can stop me from wasting my money, so I can play all the video poker I want. Except I never actually got another opportunity like that one. I don't frequent dive bars (or even regular bars) and have no interest in starting. I'm not even sure if any of the sketchy watering holes near my place would even have a poker machine - I can't know for sure, but I have a hunch those are relics from another era.
Thankfully, I can play from the comfort of my PC - no need to listen to terrible music, rub shoulders with barflies, or bring my uncle into this whatsoever.
So after more than twenty years, I decided to finally treat myself to a round of video poker and see if it's as exciting as I imagined it would be.
The Setup
My goal is just to play the game, not make any risky moves, so I'm keeping my bets right down at floor level: 10 cents a hand.
I'm only putting $5 into this round, but I want to try all the different variants, so I'm splitting it five way. I'll bet no more than $1 on each game and see how far it takes me.
And just in case I do get anywhere, I'm going to cash out if I double my buck at any point. If I'm up to $2 on any of the variants, I'm cashing out and moving on to the next one. Otherwise, I'll let the good times roll and ride it until I'm down to nothing.
And even though I can't / don't want to recreate the smell of that dive bar, I'm going to kill the lights and create a dim atmosphere so I can really feel like I'm really indulging in shameful behavior.
Round 1: Jacks Or Better
When I said I never played video poker, I guess that's not entirely true.
Because last year I revived my on-again, off-again (but mostly on-again) interest in strip poker.
I got into it when I was in my teens and got my hands on a floppy disk with a rudimentary strip game with less than impressive VGA graphics. Then I got into it in an even bigger way when I had the rare but very welcome chance to play it with someone who might actually take her top off (if the cards fell in my favor, anyway).
It's been a really long time since anyone's been willing to risk losing their underwear over a round of cards with me, but I kept spending my evenings playing round after round on a free strip poker site I happened to stumble on (while looking for free strip poker sites).
I mostly played Texas Hold'em or straightforward Draw Poker, but I'd occasionally try Strip Blackjack for a quick round or Strip Chess so I could get my ass handed to me by a nude model (at least, I assume she would eventually get nude - I'm hopeless at chess).
And every now and then, I'd click on the Video Poker option. It's your standard Jack Or Better game, where all the usual card combinations count for something, except for single pairs of number cards.
So, I got the hang of playing it there, but I still felt like I never truly experienced it. Because as much as I enjoy being paid in nudity, it wouldn't feel like video poker if there wasn't any money on the line and I was the one who could lose his shirt.
Basically, pairs of Jacks or higher have you break even and win your money back. Anything above that pays according tot he pay table down here:
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| Pay table for a 10 cent wager |
And well, it was a pretty uneventful start. Hit three Jacks on the second round and triple 2s a bit later. Nothing big, but enough to keep playing for a bit.
But only a bit. After dragging out the game with plenty of paired face card, I had finally spent my last dime and it was time to move on to the next round.
Round 2: Bonus Poker
I was in brand new territory now. I'd never Bonus'ed my way into seeing someone's nipples, so I had to read up on how to play this one.
Basically, the only difference is in the payouts. A Full House is only worth about 75% what it is Jacks or Better, but getting Four of a Kind with Aces, 2s, 3s, or 4s pays out higher, so there's at least some potential to recoup the buck I just lost a minute ago.
But my only brush with those Four of a Kinds was when I glanced at the paytable. Just like the round before, I hit all the lower payouts until I eventually got down to nothing.
Maybe there's some fun to be had on Bonus Poker when you can feel the thrill of chasing those quadruple Aces, but I wasn't going to experience any of that with my measly ten draws.
Round 3: Double Bonus
Alright, Double Bonus now, which is basically the same deal as before except getting Two Pairs is barely worth squat. In exchange, you get a very handsome payout with any Four of a Kind (though it's the Aces that will make you walk away feeling like a king).
Very promising - if I can hit any of them, that is. But if I know anything about gambling, it's that after seeing zero Four of a Kinds, I was due for one.
And well, this one just wiped the floor with me.
I exited the game humiliated - didn't even come close to a Flush, a Full House, or anything worth pumping my fist about.
One quick round of this and I realized that these Bonus variants are basically designed for high rollers. Because you only break even on Two Pairs, you really have to play a lot of hands to have a reasonable shot at a big payer and make this worth your time.
But I'm a lowly ten cent chump, so this machine just ate all my dimes and refused to spit any of them back out. Ruthless.
Round 4: Triple Double Bonus Poker
At this point, a sensible person would retreat to the familiar comforts of Jacks or Better.
But I'm not a sensible person. I'm a guy with a plan, and I'm sticking to it. So even though Bonus Poker bullied me and Double Bonus Poker shook me down for my lunch money, I was ready to step up to the Big Boys table and piss away a dollar playing Triple Double Bonus Poker.
More or less the same thing as before, but more extreme. This time, the Flush is a bit less exciting but you have the potential of turning a Four of a Kind into an even higher payout if your fifth card is an Ace, 2, 3, or 4.
Sure, whatever. At this point, I'm just resigned for it to take my money. But you've got to admit, walking away with a cool $40 or $80 from a draw that only cost you a dime is extremely appealing. So, here goes another dollar.
And surprisingly, I was off to a strong start this time - hitting my first decent hand of the night with a Straight on the second draw.
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| Told you I was due! |
That only gave me 40 cents, but it's enough to stretch out my playtime and keep me in the game. And I stayed in long enough to hit a Full House.
I managed to double my dollar and that was my cutoff point - I took that extra buck and left feeling like a winner.
Round 5: Deuces Wild
My luck had finally started to turn, so now I was putting it to the final test: Deuces Wild.
This time, the paytable wasn't the only difference - the actual gameplay was changed along with it. As you can guess, in this version of Video Poker, your 2s are wild cards.
Which is interesting and makes it easier to score a winning hand. But because it's easier, it also means that your winners pay a lot less - a 40 cent payout for Four of a Kind genuinely feels crushing, even if it's pretty easy to get one with a few wild cards in the deck.
Pairs also don't matter because they're too easy to score, and a straight only doubles your bet for the same reason.
The most interesting feature is that the wild cards make it possible to hit a Five of a Kind. It doesn't pay nearly as much as a hand like that should, but hey, I'd take it.
So there I go, one buck left to win or lose.
And honestly, I wish I had given myself more money to throw at this, because Deuces Wild completely frazzles my gameplay. After different versions of Jacks or Better, it was really hard to adjust my strategy. I kept holding onto Aces and face cards out of habit, even though they don't make a lick of difference here - except for a Royal Flush.
I managed to hit my second Full House of the night in this round, but it was a bittersweet moment after I realized it netted me nothing more than 40 cents.
It was all downhill from there. One losing hand after another, until I kissed my last dollar goodbye.
Final Count
Total Wager: $5
Total Cashout: $2
Final Total: -$3
Lessons Learned
The big thing I learned running through these games is that video poker is honestly just as fun as it seemed. It's probably more enjoyable on the actual machine, but even the virtual one on the Atlantic Lottery Commission website is neat.
The low stakes didn't matter. I still had a good time risking dimes, especially since there's real potential to double your money if you suck at this less than I do.
I also played on the Progressive version of the game, which means there's a miniscule chance of hitting a massive jackpot. But it comes at the cost of a worse paytable, so I think I'll be sticking to the regular Video Poker game from now on.
And I also learned that Jacks or Better is the way to go unless your pockets are deep enough that you can spend an hour or two hitting the draw button. Otherwise, the slim odds of ever hitting it big on Triple Double Bonus Poker just isn't worth it.
But hey, now I've got a bit more experience and I've got the lay of the land a bit. The next time I'm sinking $5 into this, I'll stick to the basics and see how far I can get on good old fashioned Jacks or Better. And if I lose it all, I can at least console myself with a few free rounds of the strip version.
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